Thursday, November 29, 2007

The Holy Chip Auction

Awhile back I promised to post my infamous Holy Chip Auction. Below is the auction in full as it appeared on eBay. Well, close to how it appeared. The formatting didn't fit the blog so I had to make some adjustments. But all the text and photos are here. Remember: I'm not making fun of religion. I'm making fun of people who rely on false visions in grilled cheese as opposed to the true residence of God, in each and every one of our hearts. Enjoy!

Only once in a lifetime does something so miraculous arrive in the guise of a lowly tortilla chip. For lo, out of a bag of Tostitos® brand tortilla chips did I behold the breathtaking beauty of the Blessed Virgin Mary, praying serenely, the folds of her long, flowing sleeves covering her pious hands. I knew instantly that I had received a Divine message from God on High: "Go forth and sell this Holy Chip on ebay!" He said unto me. Now, it is your turn to own this Miraculous Snack Food.

At first, I merely marveled at the size of the chip. It was as thick as dozens of other chips put together. Half the bag's weight appeared to be tied up in this one, amazing chip. I knew then that this was no ordinary factory error. The mere touch of this mighty Chip of Destiny was enough to make me speak in tongues as I repeated over and over, "Tostito! Tostito! Not Dorito but Tostito!" It was a humbling and rare experience.

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Knowing then that the Blessed Salted Wonder was not some oddity to be unceremoniously masticated, I searched its craggy features for the message hidden within. "Looks kinda like a cowboy boot," I murmured, examining the back of the chip. "Or maybe a snooty guy with a really big nose." But yea verily, these seemed so ordinary, so mundane for a chip with supernatural girth. I knew I had to look deeper for its meaning.

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Turning the chip over in my trembling hands, I allowed my chili to get cold and my Diet Rite Cola to go flat. So enraptured was I when I first laid eyes on the visage engraved by a Holy Hand onto the face of the chip. "Holy Mary, Mother of God..." I gasped as her serene features made themselves plain before me.

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I saw her hands raised in supplicance, her mouth open, as if whispering a prayer or singing a hymn. With a slight turn in angle I saw the baby Jesus resting in her arms, as she sang him to sweet sleep.

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Another view and her mouth closes, her prayers now silent and beseeching. Quickly, I made a tiny bible to place in her upstretched arms, so that she could read her son's biography.

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Glancing at the back of the Sacred Tostito® again, the form of a woman emerged before my wondering eyes. I needed no more proof.

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I was infused with peace as I held the Holy Snack, knowing that I had been chosen from out of so many chip-munching minions, to be the vessel of this Blessed Sign.

But, why me? Why was I the Chosen Disciple? I don't know. I could say it was because my husband left me alone to raise our 15 children on the meager $27 a month I earn collecting aluminum cans, but I don't have a husband or children, nor do I have a job in the recycling business. I might think it was because I recently survived a near-death experience and walked through a tunnel of light toward my Lord and Master, but nothing like that has ever come close to happening (although I did have a near-life experience recently when I had lunch with a friend). Am I a poverty-stricken product of society's uncaring indifference? Well, I'm broke, if that helps. But I have too much pride to play upon your pity. Bid not to help your wretched fellow human being – Bid because YOU are the rightful owner of the Blessed Chip! Bid because only YOU deserve to bask in its Unearthly Aura of Cornicious Beauty! Bid because no matter what you think of me or of my auction, the chip really is unusually chunky and does indeed possibly maybe have the sublime countenance of the Virgin Mary etched in its salted surface.

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The Sacred Tostito® bag was purchased in Los Angeles (the City of Angels – how apropos) in a special edition USC Trojan bag. Although Trojans ordinarily prevent conception, this particular chip was born anyway. Dare I say, "Intelligently Designed?" Okay, I won't. Search not for Sacramental Salsa or Nativityish Nacho Cheese, for this chip was not immaculately conceived for such ordinary things. It was meant to bestow upon its owner a true and sacred blessing. Art thou the Pious Picante that canst dip deep into thy wallet for this Hallowed Chip of Righteousness?

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Or you could bid 'cause it looks kinda like a cowboy boot. Your choice.

A note about shipping: It's $5.00 for priority mail, insurance optional (and based on the Final Market Value of the Blessed Tostito®). I will offer insurance, but cannot mark in the amount until I know the price for which this one-of-a-kind Heavenly Snack Food sells. Please ask for insurance, if you so desire it, at the end of the auction. I'd suggest you get it due to the somewhat fragile nature of this unique item.

All Tostito® brand Heavenly Blessed Chip sales are 'as is' and there are no returns.

I hereby swear on a stack of bibles (real ones, not tiny fake ones) that I did nothing to alter, shape, or in any way impose my will upon this very special Tostito® brand tortilla chip. It is exactly as I found it in the original packaging – which, by the way, had almost no chips in it because this one was so heavy. Total ripoff.

I accept Paypal or Money Orders. No personal checks, please!
If a personal check is sent, there will be Hell (and possible brimstone) to pay.


Tina said...

looks tasty. You ate the chip, didn't you? :)

Glamorous Redneck said...

I still can't believe it never got featured on Leno!


plaidearthworm said...

Hilarious! I especially like her reading her son's biography. Guess he was a chip off the ol' block, eh? (Sorry, someone had to say it.)

Joanna Sandsmark said...

tina - nope, didn't eat the chip. This was my listing on ebay and it actually sold for around $18 or so, as I recall. Not bad for a tortilla chip.

Goo - From more than one source I heard that it did actually get featured on Jay Leno. I didn't see it, so I can't say for certain, but because I heard it from more than one person I think it has a distinct possibility of being reality.

Plead - a fine pun and with as many bad jokes as I put in this piece, very fitting. lol!